Pirates have commandeered an American-flagged (NOT Liberian) container ship off the coast of Somalia. This story is true (you are NOT reading “The Onion”) as it has been reported by Al Jazeera News. The 21st century swash-bucklers have kidnapped the ship’s captain, an American, and are holding him hostage, just in case the U.S. Navy contemplates any of those Cowboy tactics left over from the George W. Bush reign.
President Barack Obama has once again referred to this latest national disaster as one that he inherited. However, Obama did not blame the pirates’ uprising on his usual scapegoat, George W. Bush. Obama explained to fawning American news outlets that these Swashbucklers of the High Seas were inherited directly from former President Thomas Jefferson, who obviously failed to quell the piracy problem during his own War on Terror: “Jefferson’s War.”
For more than 200 years, that dead white President, Thomas Jefferson, has been given credit for successfully swashbuckling the Barbary Pirates, giving birth to the United States Navy for that mission, and creating a pep song for the US Marines about “the Shores of Tripoli,” President Obama revealed. He continued: “those dead white historians got it all wrong! The swashbuckling evil buccaneers continue to cruise high on the high seas, and Thomas Jefferson’s failure has been dropped at my doorstep on Pennsylvania Avenue more than 200 years later.” The adoring White House Press Corps swooned.
The United States Marines performed with honor at the first war proclaimed by our new nation. In 1801, when Thomas Jefferson became president, he refused to accede to the Barbary pirates of Tripoli’s demands for an immediate payment of $225,000 and an annual payment of $25,000. This refusal brought about the first ‘war’ the U.S. would fight as a country. The first line of the Marine hymn, ‘from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli’, references the 600-mile march across the Libyan Desert of a group of Navy men and others to capture the port city of Derna, Tripoli. It took a concerted effort by England, France, Spain, and the United States to end over 400 years of Muslim piracy on the Barbary Coast.” (“Happy Birthday Marines” by Edna Barney)
Obama continued his explanation. “Thomas Jefferson had his chance to contain piracy when this nation was young, and he failed miserably, as seen by these man-made disasters now terrorizing shipping lanes on the high seas. Jefferson even instigated a war with those North African Islamic potentates whose modern lands are known today as Algeria, Libya, Morocco, and Tunisia, which is more proof for America and the world, that gains won by force do not endure. It was up to America’s Founding Fathers to secure free navigation of the seas for the new United States of America, and their posterity, which is ME, and they punted” complained Obama. “This is one more ‘inherited’ problem that the country is now depending on me to solve, which I will as soon as I can escape the glow of the glory of my European tour.”
“I’ve had my historians researching ancient history to find the root problem of today’s Somalian piracy. They discovered that these “man-made disasters” we are experiencing today all stem directly from a meeting in London in March of 1785, between American founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams and Ambassador Abd Al-Rahman of Tripoli. The Founding Fathers inquired of the ‘Mussulman’ Ambassador for the reason that the Barbary states were impeding American ships, pirating their cargo and enslaving their crews and passengers. Ambassador Abd Al-Rahman gave the answer to America’s illustrious Founders, but they were absolutely tone-deaf to the ‘Mussulman’s’ words:”
“It was written in the Koran, that all Nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners, that it was their right and duty to make war upon whoever they could find and to make Slaves of all they could take as prisoners, and that every Mussulman who should be slain in battle was sure to go to Paradise.” ~Ambassador Abd Al-Rahman of Tripoli to John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, London, 1785.
Hillary Clinton, the US secretary of state, has expressed concern and called upon the world to “come together to end the scourge of piracy.” (Good Luck on that one, Hillary.) President Barack Obama reassured Americans that with his new leadership skills the country will be able to resolve this historic first time boarding by pirates of an American ship. He has already promised that, unlike his predecessor Thomas Jefferson, America under Barack Obama will never wage war on any Muslim nation. We are a nation of laws, and if our lawyers find that these man-made pirates have broken any international laws, we will prosecute them to the fullest extent in whatever world court they find agreeable to their cultural mores. In addition, Barack Obama has dispatched a special communique to the Somalian Pirate King reminding him that America’s president is now a “brother.” All those dead white American presidents and founding fathers, are just that – dead white men!
Yes – It’s Satire, but it’s still true!